Waltzing Mathilde...and the power of prayer
In 2015 I “aged-out” of the corporate (foster) care system, 57 years young and 30 years experienced in playing a role which had quite adequately served to meet my needs to be safely ensconced in the 20th century middle class American dream of living and raising a family in relative comfort and security…and, as it turns out, which had not really served to meet my needs to nourish my soul. Like everything else in my life to that point, I was deeply at odds with what I was actually doing day-to-day, and I had yet to learn how to recognize when a relationship was over, and how to take effective action to move on maturely and conscientiously upon that recognition. As such, I had simply stopped performing at any level beyond showing up and meeting basic requirements, and I hung around doing that until the tension got unbearable for management, and then I was let go. Naively, I assumed this was a ‘winning’ strategy…after all, I had severance, money in the bank, no debt, and vast experience as a high-performer and leader that I was sure would translate into a better, more enriching position with a more enlightened employer very quickly. As I was to find out, my assumption was quite inaccurate, incorrect, and incomplete.
Thus began a 3 year process of psychic and spiritual deconstruction, dis-integration, decomposition, despair, and subsequent ongoing search for alignment, reconstruction, re-integration, refinement, and equanimity (which is the subject of a different blog/book on a different day).
Today, thanks mostly to the direct request and support and encouragement of my friend Mathilde, I want to share in detail about “Pocket Prayers” - one of the tools/techniques that allowed me to maintain a tenuous grip on hope, to sustain a faith in moving through each hour, and to navigate the challenges of those difficult days.
Recently, while searching for a folder that contained a trove of Asana/Vinyasa Classes (“yoga” movement routines) that I had used in 2014 - 2015 when I began teaching Yoga classes at my local YMCA in Wilmington, I came across a different purple folder chock full of little slips of paper covered with hand-written notes. Having no recollection of this purple folder nor these slips, I began to pull a few out and read them…at which point it all came back. These little slips were my “Pocket Prayers”…notes that I had written to myself daily in 2016 - 2018 and carried around in my pocket, to be pulled out when needed to remind me that I was not totally alone and unsupported, despite the story that I was being told in my mind and the feelings that I was feeling in my body at that time. These prayers also often became the theme for yoga classes that I was teaching in the local studio in Spartanburg, or the suggested topic for Y12SR meetings that I was holding space in at that time.
As I re-read these prayers in 2021, I am deeply impacted by how prescient and powerful they are, and I reflect on how painful and broken I was and how thin was this lifeline that had enabled some resilience for me. And so, I have now re-constituted this practice, and I am ‘pulling’ one of these prayers each day in order to reconnect with the power of Source and the truth of timelessness in the moment.
On occasion, recently, I have shared these “Pocket Prayers” in meetings or with friends/partners/clients, and have found that their power and presence are not limited to me, and that they have been gratefully received. May they be of benefit to you also.
Today :
I work on ceasing to cherish opinions; recognizing that much of what I find wrong in my life is rooted in my opinions - that is: my prejudices, assumptions, self-righteous stances, attitudes.
By promptly admitting when I am wrong, I am doing what I can to change.
Each breath, each new moment, can be an opportunity to clear the air and start again, fresh and free.
From an addiction recovery perspective, the teachings of the AA/NA 12 Step Recovery programs are clear that, as an addict, my thinking and reasoning mind is not always leading me in the direction of my best interests, and that I must “surrender” my will (my thoughts and feelings) to the direction of a caring and loving Source on a daily basis. I am cautioned to be observant of my thoughts as they repetitively turn to selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear, and to practice learning to turn these over/let these pass. I am given guidance on how to “cease” fighting anything or anyone…and that by practicing acceptance I can be free of the war in my mind, be relaxed in my body, and be at peace with my fellow beings in the world.
From a yoga and meditation perspective, the teachings of the Yoga Sutras are clear that, as beings embodying a yogic path, I must contemplate that “yoga is experienced now”, and that “yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind”. As I take my seat in meditation, I become aware of the almost constant stream of negative and repetitive thoughts that arise in my mind, and of how my habitual tendency is to attach to those thoughts and then construct a story of Self out of that attachment. I am taught to recognize the constancy of this process, and to begin to learn to “cease” attaching to these thoughts, that they might then pass…and to connect with my ‘felt' experience’ of being/sitting/breathing…that I may begin to experience the possibility of stillness and silence.
Through consistent and intentional daily practice of addiction recovery/yogic processes, I begin to become aware that my understanding of life is, at best, deeply uninformed, and, at worst, willfully ignorant. From that understanding, there arises a recognition that my fear of change is now being confronted by my desire to heal and grow and fulfill…and that the path to freedom is laid by the willingness to admit that I do not know. Recognizing that I cannot undo the past, and that I cannot control the future, and that, seemingly I cannot even maintain a consistent conscious connection to the present moment with the current techniques of living that I have been practicing…I am left with the dilemma of acceptance. I can continue to believe that the Universe’s existence is entirely dependent upon the machinations of my mind-states, or I can receive the grant of serenity that comes with allowing and accepting that the Universe is wholly authentic and functioning effectively and organically around and within me. As I gratefully let go of my need to control, I begin to change…from an isolated individual apart from an externalized reality…and into an intuitive part of a holistic, healthy process.
For me, the power and beauty of these practices is the immediacy of cause and effect. Each moment becomes an opportunity for growth and change, as I learn to “keep coming back”…to the breath; to the rooms/meetings; to the sharing of experience, strength, and hope; to the service of teaching and coaching; to the practice of loving connection in my family; to the recognition of the beauty of Nature as it expresses in and around me; to the gratitude of connection with Self and Spirit.
I suggest and encourage you to take a moment each morning as you arise and awaken to connect to Self and Source, and then to write out a “Pocket Prayer” of your own intuition to carry with you and to help carry you through each day.
And I invite you to take a breath with me…and feel into the freedom of this moment…the bliss of being present…the joy of life in living…1 breath, 1 step, 1 day at a time.
https://youtu.be/hvFyt2kmrZk